I have been unable to write much of anything the past few days. I haven’t had words, nor known what to bring to the blank page. My usually full journal lies blank and empty. The many practices that I’ve written about prior to the events that unfolded in Newtown, Conn on Friday, Dec. 14, 2012, that usually help guide me into places of solace, or peace, haven’t quite seemed to accompany my emotional journey as well as they have in the past. On Friday morning, when I first heard of the murders and shooting at the school, I was doing my usual work out routine at the gym. Honestly, I didn’t pay much attention to all the tv’s in the gym as I was looking forward to finishing my work out and then taking my daughters out for pedicures. I needed to stick with my plan. I needed to be with my girls, giggle and laugh and chat with them as we treated our feet and toes together. I did just that. I was hesitant to listen much to the news because honestly, I was shocked and didn’t want to head down that trail. I have noticed, observed and learned things about myself over the past number of years. Sometimes, I’m slower to react emotionally to things that happen than some of my friends, or peers, or family members. Not all of the time, but some. Today, I cried. I cried and let the tears flow while in the midst of yoga class, while practicing Child’s Pose. My heart grieved and ached as we ‘rested’ in the pose and I needed to stay there longer and just be with my tears and sadness and heartache as I thought of the parents, siblings, and family members who have unexpectedly been surrounded by such loss. Balasana, Child’s Pose, is done as part of the yoga practice, when a ‘rest is needed’. Today, it helped me rest into the pain of others and cry. As I gave my body and breath deeper into the rest of the pose I imagined all the love I hold deep within my heart for my own children extending out like light and circular wafts of air out and over and beyond the country to those places of deep ache and hurt within the hearts of those in Newtown, Conn. I have a feeling that this particular pose is going to be a place of deeper practice for me in the next few days and months.
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I feel you. I have trouble not thinking about it and I cry at the weirdest times.