2nd anniversary of my dad’s death

Yesterday, Feb. 23, marked the 2nd anniversary of my dad’s death. His journey from this place of life onto the next. He died suddenly, at a party, on the evening of Feb 23, 2007.  This is still a traumatic event for me to write about. The intensity of the feelings of grief and loss are lessening (as I was told by others when my dad died), but the ‘missing’ of his physical presence can be at times incredibly acute. I spent the day with my mom. I think that one of the most difficult things is actually witnessing and being present to my mom’s absolute feelings of grief, loss and mourning. She told me again yesterday that she felt that her life began when she fell in love with my dad and that he was the love of her life. She misses him terribly. We walked with Libby around Greenlake, did a few errands, and then had lunch together. She drove home by herself later in the afternoon.  She wanted to be alone last night. One of her friends told me a few weeks ago that my mom had said to her: ‘tears are for the pillow’. My mom hasn’t cried much when I am around, although it feels like alot of the time she is on the very edge of crying. It is hard because I would actually like to cry with her and sometimes I get angry because I just need her to be my mom and actually walk with me through my feelings of missing my dad. Perhaps this is too much to ask or hope for given the depth of her loss? I’m thinking so. My dad was an important person in my life. There were some wonderful things about him and some very not so great things about him and his relationship with me. I’ve written and journaled some about that but feel like it’s time to do some more. Reflection, silence and writing are soulful  practices for me and I know that each step along the way helps me integrate the depths of his loss more fully into my life. I am aware that his passing isn’t just about grieving his loss but other losses in my life this far. I often need to remind myself that this is a journey, and that I need to be patient with myself, and others as I walk it out. I am reminded again of a prayer that I like that has its routes in celtic spirituality: “Do not hurry as you walk with grief; it does not help the journey. Walk slowly, pausing often: do not hurry as you walk with grief…..Be gentle with the one who walks with grief. If it is you, be gentle with yourself. ..Take time, be gentle, as you walk with grief.”

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